Past Mistakes
by Bane144
Summary: Jordan has come back to Boston after three years on the run. What will she find? What has happened to her morgeu family while she was gone? What will she do when she finds out who killed her father?
1. Past Mistakes

Past Mistakes

Chapter One - Memories  
The Diary of Jordan Hoyt  
March 27th 2006

Dear Diary,

Running. I've been running for three years. Running from the past, I suppose. Running from the past, from the present, from the _future_. The future we might have had. The future we should have had. Too bad that'll never happen now. Not after what happened back in Boston…

I have his name. I took it a few months before…before I had to leave. Jordan Cavanaugh doesn't exist anymore. Some would say she was never actually real to start with. I'm Jordan Hoyt now, and I shall stay that way, unless something happens. I don't know if he still sees me as his wife anymore. I haven't been in touch with him…the last email I got from anyone in my old life was over a year ago, before I moved again. No one from Boston knows where I am now, and I suppose I should keep it that way. Its better this way…but I still miss them all.

Maybe I should go back. See if anyone cleared my name. See if anyone still cares enough to try. I know Nigel would, but would Woody? Does he even give a damn anymore? Sometimes I wonder…I wonder if he moved on. I know I didn't. I never will. I guess I'd have to go back to Boston to find out.

I've been in this apartment for three months. It's the longest I've ever stayed anywhere, in one place, since I've been on the run. I've had to move around so much that I've lost count of the places I've stayed in. Mostly, they've been hotels, inns, motels in the…questionable parts of town…very rarely has it been an actual apartment. I don't have very much in the way of material things, just my guitar and a couple of suitcases filled with clothes and…memories. I am not proud of the things I've had to do. I never will be, but they had to be done, nonetheless.

This place is so empty. In that respect, it is similar to my heart. Empty of everything…empty of any feeling at all. God, how I miss the people from my old life…I miss them so much. I feel so…incomplete without them. I don't really know how to put this. I was never really good at the whole get-your-feelings-out-into-the-open-because-its-not-healthy-to-keep-everything-bottled-up thing. Feelings are definitely not my forte. I suppose I have gotten better at then I used to be, but it still feels unnatural, opening up like this. It probably always will…

Not many people know this (except my morgue family) but I had a daughter. Her name was Serena. Serena Emily Cavanaugh Hoyt. She was a gorgeous little baby, with my dark hair and Woody's brilliant blue-grey eyes. She…died. A few months after she was born. She was in the hospital, because she had breathing trouble. She was such a bubbly little baby…so adorable. Anyways, she had an asthma attack and…it killed her…I suppose it was better that it happened in a hospitals, where there were lots of doctors to make sure she had a fighting chance. I'm a doctor, dammit! I should have been able to save her! One minute she was there, and the next…she was gone. I guess I have my own little angel now, don't I? I don't remember much of the funeral, just. Just lowering her tiny coffin into the cold, hard ground, and sobbing into Woody's chest as he held me. It was four years ago now, before Woody and I got married, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I've gone to visit her…grave, and my mother's, but I always have to go in secret…

I think I need to go back. I need closure. I need to know the truth. Or find it. But either way, I need to go back to where it all started. Back to Nigel and Lily and Bug and Garrett. And Woody, of course. Back to the only family I've ever known.

Home.


	2. The Morgue

Chapter Two – The Morgue  
The Diary of Jordan Hoyt  
April 15th 2006

Dear Diary,

Well, I'm home. Or what goes for a home around here. It's amazing how much something can change in such a small amount of time. It's only been three years, but this city has changed so much that I can scarcely recognize it anymore. So many new buildings, and I swear the population has doubled from the last time I came. Serena's…grave is not in the city, so I suppose…if it weren't for the familiar street signs, I would swear I was in New York. This place is so different from the place I grew up in…

I haven't gone to see anyone from my old life yet, although I suppose you can't call moving ever few months and not being able to hold down a steady job a life. This place, these people are the only family, only life I have ever known.

I guess I'm scared. Scared that no one will be who I remember them as. I guess I should go see Woody first. Get it done and over with. What's the point anyways? It's not like its going to change anything, is it? At least, nothing that matters. Its wont make the last three years disappear, will it? I suppose I should do it anyways…

CJCJCJCJCJCJ

Boston was a city of many faces. So many faces that Jordan Hoyt, formerly Cavanaugh had long since tried to count them all. She had tried, oh how she had tried to keep them all straightened out in her mind, but now her reality was becoming twisted, and her mind was not what it used to be. Of course, some would say that she was, after all, Jordan, and that her reality was warped to begin with, so was her judgment really to be trusted?

It had been to long. Perhaps it was too late? Too late to mend foolish words and foolish actions, said and done in the heat of the moment? Too late to forget that she had lost three years of her life because of one foolish mistake? How many places were the same as she remembered them? How many of her old friends had stayed the same as she remembered them, timeless despite the endless passing of the years? Too many questions and perhaps…perhaps there were no answers to be found.

The building that housed the Boston City Morgue was the same as she remembered it. A tall, brownish brick building, she had always secretly found it strangely homey. Despite it being anything but, she had always seen it as one of the only places where she was free to be who she really was. Where the people accepted her for who she was, quirks included, and never questioned her weirdness. It was a place where she could trust the people with (most of) her secrets.

Honey brown eyes betraying her nervousness, she pushed open the heavy brown front doors. The lobby was empty and she hurried into an equally empty elevator.

"Which floor? Which floor was it on? I should know this, dammit! Nine…I think it was nine…" She pressed the aforementioned button, and continued muttering to herself. Had a stranger walked into the elevator right then, they would have seen a small, dark haired woman muttered profanities to herself. It was a very strange sight.

It was probably the longest elevator ride Jordan had ever had. It probably took less than two minutes, but she was filled with apprehension about what lay ahead. Would she be greeted as a friend…or a hardened criminal?

The door opened with a ping, and she stepped out. The morgue was busy, but still strangely quiet. Quiet was something she had never known in her time working here.

" Jordan? Is it really you? Are you really here? Well, of course you're really here, unless I'm starting to see things, which I'm sure some people wouldn't doubt, but still…wow! It's been so long! How have you been? Look at us, talking in the middle of the hall! Come into my office, where we can talk like civilized people!" Lily Lebowski chattered on as she took Jordan's arm and guided her down the hall to her office. Despite the fact it must have been very hard for her move, as she was roughly eight months pregnant, she traveled with surprising speed.

"Lily? What are you doing…?" As soon as they were in the office, Lily shut the door and closed all the blinds.

"We can't have people eavesdropping, now can we?" Her cheerful, overly enthusiastic voice from the hall was gone, replaced with something akin to what overworked police officers would use. Her voice was colder, so different from what Jordan remembered of her.

"What exactly is going on?" If Jordan's face hadn't given away her confusion, her tone of voice certainly did.

"It was all part of the original plan. Of course, we expected you would be back sooner, but this should work as well…But then again, Devan and Lu did say..." Lily's voice subsided into mutters. It seemed she had forgotten Jordan was in the room with her.

"Lily? I don't know whats going on, so I'm going to go see Nigel now...I'm leaving, okay?Bye..." Lily was very different from the person Jordan remembered her as. If anyone knew about why Lily was acting in such a strange and different manner, Nigel would. Despite this, she still felt a bit guilty leaving her friend while she was obviously suffering from some sort of psycotic delusion. It seemed she was talking with Peter and Lu, the latter of which had been dead for nearly two and a half years. Jordan quickly shut the door of Lily's office and went on a search for Nigel.

She went to the reception desk and paged him, as it would probably be easier than searching the morgue for him.That being done, she settled into one of the chairs in the waiting room, keeping a lookout for the tall, dark-haired Brit.

"Jordan? Is it really you, luv?" Called a deep voice from behind her. The slight British accent gave it all away.

"Nige? I've been waiting for nearly an hour for you. Lily's been acting strange...but then again, I suppose I wouldn't know." The behaviour of her friend was certain to be explained by Nigel, after all, he had kept working here when she was gone.

"Did she mention anything about Devan and Lu? She's been like that since the accident...and actually, it would probably be a better idea to talk in my office, so I can fill you in on everything you missed. Come on." He led her down the hall to her old office, which looked the same as it had when she had been working at the morgue. The sofa was a different color, and the walls had been painted in a bright yellow, but other than that, it was the same. He closed the door behind her and motioned for her to sit.

"What do you want to know?" He asked, sitting beside her on the couch.

"Everything that I missed. But before you tell me that, can you tell if anyone ever cleared my name?" She looked at him, and so he told her.

"You were. It took damn near six months and a helluva lot of detective work on Woody's side, but we cleared you. Turns out it was the Albanian Mob that killed him. We buried him for you..." He passed her a small, folded piece of paper. "The location of the cemetary. We were going to bury him with your mother, but they wouldn't let us. But theres a small private cemetary near the edge of the city limits, on the east side. Now that you're here, you can decide if you want to keep him there or move him so they can rest together."

"You have no idea how much that means to me. Thanks, Nige. Now...what happened while I was gone that made Lily think that Devan and Lu are alive?"

"She was in a car accident. Lost her first baby, Mara. It drove her over the edge, and we had to watch her very carefully for a while. She's been getting better since she married Bug, and now that she has a second chance, we think she might make a full recovery." Nigel looked at her in sympathy, knowing that Jordan, of all people, would know what Lily was going through.

"Really? When did they get married?" She asked, her eyes brimming with unshed tears about her friends suffering. It was like what she had to go through with Serena...

"Oh, about a year ago now. They went to Venice for a honeymoon, and a few months after that, he was promoted to Deputy Chief ME, along with me. We share this office, but I'm not in much, so there's only need for one desk." He knew the question she would ask next, and braced himself to answer.

"What about...Woody? How is he?" Jordan's voice was shaking at the thought of what Nigel might tell her, at the thought that Woody might have moved on. She could see the nervousness in his eyes as he told her.

"He's...the same. He keeps a picture of you on his desk. He kept the house, and everything the way you left it...he misses you alot, Jordan. He keeps showing up here, hopig one of us has heard from you, to know that you're safe. You need to go see him. Go now, I'll take care of Lily. I think maybe she skipped her meds this morning..." He got up and stated ruffling through the bottles on Bug's desk, looking for a bottle of Lily's medication. Jordan took it as a sign to leave.

"Oh, and Jordan? If you'd like your old job back...you can have it back. I know you still need to find a place to stay, but think about it?" Nigel said without looking at her. He knew she would accept either way. And he was right. He told her she could start whenever she wanted, it was fine with him. Then, he sent her to go find Woody, at the precinct...


	3. Woody

**A/N: Hey everyone. I'm sorry this chapter is so short. And took so long to get up. But I had no internet for the longest time(and I should have taken that time to work on the story, but life got in the way.) But from now on, I'll hopefully have a chapter up every week or so. And if someone wants to beta for me...it would be awesome.**

Chapter Three - Woody

The precinct was the same as she remembered it. It had the look of most government buildings in the city of Boston, with the dark brick and small windows that surveyed the streetin front of it with a quiet sterness, as if to prevent any wrongdoing. The doors were re-enforced, double-paned glass, and Jordan pushed them open with ease. This building was almost as familiar to her as the morgue, or at least, it used to be. All the people she knew and remembered had probably all long since left, with the exception of Woody.

She went to the reception desk, as the location of his office had probably changed over the past three years. As it was, it was still in the same wing of the old building as she remembered. The west wing. Hmm...wasn't that the name of the TV show she used to love? The one they took off the air? It was a pity actually...she had loved that show.

Fear gripped her as she navigated the twists and turns in the hallways of the precinct. How would he react to her being here after all these years? Would it be the way she had found him with Lu, all those years ago? Would it cause her to leave for the final time, and not ever come back?

The door to his office was open. She was hesitant to enter, but she knew she had to do this, whether now or later, the effect would be the same. Surprise, followed by anger, followed by pain, for the both of them. Would he throw her out, or let her stay? Would everything be the same as it once was? Could it ever be the same?

She stepped through the door, into his office. It was just as in her faded memories of the place, all dark wood and light paint. With one distinct difference. Instead of a potted plant, or any such thing, there was a large picture frame with their wedding picture in it.

He was asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful, so calm...she knew it would be a bad idea to wake him up, so she settled herself on the edge of the couch and decided to wait for him to realize she was there.

It had been a long time. She was struck by it, as she heard the clock tick loudly behind her. She could hear people moving around, shuffling in the hall, but the closed door kept her from hearing anything more.

His face was worn. He looked like he had seen too many things in too short a time, a man who had tried to save too many people. Her eyes traced his face, and she wished she could touch him the way she used to. Her hand lifted of its own accord, reaching toward him, but she stopped herself in time. She didnt want to startle him, because this would be bad enough anyways. She wondering what she had missed in the time she was gone. How many times did he need her when she wasnt there for him.

He moved, and it startled her. Should she run? Maybe if she left before he knew she had been there... His blue eyes opened, and focussed on her.

"Jordan? It can't be you." He was still half asleep, and she could still leave, making him think it was a dream. "You're gone. You can't be here..." He stared at her, and she suddenly realized why she loved him.

"I'm here, Woody. I'm real." There were tears in her eyes. She wondered where they had come from.

"Is it really you?" He looked at her, and she knew she had made a mistake.

"It's really me." He came towards her, tears filling his eyes, and swept her up in his arms.

"Jordan...Oh, honey, it really is you. You have no idea..." He was crying, and so was she, but they were both so happy to be in each others arms again.

"I'm sorry." She was sorry for leaving him, for thinking that he didnt love her, and for staying away for so long.

"Your back now, thats what matters. I love you." She could hear it in his voice.

"I love you too." And she did.


End file.
